How I'm Doing (Trying to Work With My Emotions More, and IFS)
Since May 2026 – so about four months now, approaching five – things have been really, really hard.
I've been struggling a lot with work. It's led me to trying: a shit ton of books on procrastination, depression, executive functioning, ADHD, burnout, REBT, IFS; an REBT therapist; a peer support group for depression; Recovery Dharma (even though I'm not addicted to any substance); a Wisdom Circle; and many many more.
Last week, I booked consultations with five different therapists and burnout coaches.
Recently, two concepts are resonating with me the most:
- Brene Brown, somewhere, said something like: we think of ourselves as thinking beings who occasionally feel, when really we're feeling beings who occasionally think
- One of the therapists I talked to told me that if the solution to my problem were cognitive or logical, I probably would've found it by now, so she'd rather explore emotional one
Based on this, I started reading Self-Therapy by Jay Earley (an IFS book) and did an exercise to explore a protector and an exile. I wasn't sure whether "The Lazy One" is a protector or an exile; maybe it's both, or maybe it was a protector when I was a child and is an exile now. Below is what I did.
The outcome was that The Lazy One opened up about being afraid of The Productive One getting angry at it. That it's been trying so hard not to be lazy, it's afraid to mess things up, but it just doesn't know what to do. Once The Lazy One felt safe that The Productive One wouldn't get mad, I felt something I haven't felt in a long time: like an unburdening. Like taking off a backpack full of rocks, or finally moving a huge rock in front of me that I'd been pushing against forever.
Afterward I went to my coworking space and started working. It wasn't like I was super motivated (I'm not asking for that), but the aversion and heaviness were just gone.
Below is the IFS exercise I did copy-pasted from my notes app.
Protector 1: The Productive One
- What is its role in helping you manage your life and interact with the world?
- Help me be productive at work ... so I am of use to the world. To help me stay focused and not get distracted, because it think people who get distracted easily are losers
- How does it relate to other people?
- It's pretty good at relating w other people, so long as the person helps me achieve a purpose
- How does it protect me from pain?
- It knows that not winning math competitions when i was a child was really painful for me, so it wants to make sure that doesn't happen to me anymore
- What is its positive intent for you?
- To be productive and successful, because this is the way for me to feel happy about myself
- What is it trying to protect you from?
- The Lazy One
Protector 2: The Lazy One - not sure if it’s a protector or an exile. Could it be both? It might have been a protector when I was a child, but now it’s become an exile…
- What is its role in helping you manage your life and interact with the world?
- To show how smart i really am, because see how i can get good grades even when i don't study
- To help me preserve energy, somehow it thinks i have low energy
- How does it relate to other people?
- It wants to impress people with how smart i am
- How does it protect you from pain?
- It prevents me from being one of those losers who have to study hard
- What is its positive intent for you?
- To get results with minimum effort
- To look cool
- What is it trying to protect you from?
- From becoming one of those loser nerds
Ok let's try if The Lazy One is an exile.
Exile 1: The Lazy One
- What emotions does it feel?
- Shame
- What pain does it carry?
- It is so talented and smart, but so lazy, so it will never amount to anything
- What is it afraid of?
- To be tortured and found out by The Productive One, it just doesn't know how to be productive. It is trying so hard
- What negative beliefs does it have?
- That something is inherently wrong with it and no matter how hard it tries, it will always be lazy. Because it is a bad part
- What situation or relationship is it stuck in from childhood?
- It is still training for and competing in math competitions
- What current situations tend to trigger it?
- The "messy middle" of work basically when the newness and novelty has fallen off
- Every weekday when it's time to work
- After coming back from a vacation
- After coming back from the weekend
- What protectors come up when that happens?
- The Productive One